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Drama by Lisa Ferber
Originally recorded at the Brick Theater, Brooklyn, New York. Performed by: Lisa Ferber, Michael Gardner, Alexis Sottile
 
New York Comedy Show:
MAZELTOV - Yiddish Discovery Channel

BRICK RADIO YIDDISH DISCOVERY CHANNEL
All characters speak in singsong Yiddish accents

 

Part One

Listen: Part 1

 

 

 

 

 

TEVYE
So, hello…not to interrupt whatever you’re doing, but I thought I should mention, that a recent study has shown the original root language for science is not actually Greek, as many people have thought, but, instead, we have discovered it to be Yiddish. Not to brag, but a few of us feel very proud of this fact. It is because of this that we bring to you this evening, a special edition of The Discovery (pronounced: Dis-CHUH-very) Channel where we talk about Vilde Chayas, meaning Wild Animals. My name is Tevye Stewenstein, and I’ll be your host for a little shlep across the desert with the animals, the plants, all those kinds of things that a person might want to know about if they are interested in these kinds of things.
So, here we are, with our other hostesses, my wife, Golda Sotilleberg….

GOLDA (hoarse voice, older)
Hello.

TEVYE
And my daughter, Shprintzee Ferbenblatt.

SHPRINTZEE (kindly, humble)
Hello.

TEVYE
First, here we are, guess where: I’ll give you a hint. It’s hot, there’s no place to get a drink. God forbid they should have a stand where a person can get something.

GOLDA
Please, I can’t believe anyone lives like this. Okay so for today’s special, we bring you The Babboon Shtups Its Mate. First, we have the male babboon, see him, he eats like a pig.

SHPRINTZEE
Uch, it would kill him to use a fork? Not that the rest of them here are any better, I’m just saying. Plus, if I may go on, I’m not quite sure who would be attracted to an animal with no manners like this. Oy, there he goes, scratching his tuchus.

TEVYE
We watch as the male babboon scratches his tuchus in order to attract the female babboon, who is doing the ritual dance that the females like to do in order to attract a mate. To me, it’s no Ginger Rogers, but babboons don’t have television.

GOLDA
When I was young I could dance like that.

TEVYE
I remember, Goldie.

SHPRINTZEE
So we have the male babboon scratching his tuchus, the female dancing the hora, then somehow, this makes them want to shtup. I personally don’t understand it but then I’m a little choosy.

GOLDA
Which is why she’s not married. But go on.

SHPRINTZEE
So he’s scratching, she’s dancing, then he takes her hand and gives her a piece of banana from his friend the monkey, to show that he can support her in a nice fashion. She takes the banana, holds it up to the light to see if it’s a good one. If she likes what she sees, they shtup.

TEVYE
Now, perhaps I should mention, they shtup for hours on end. Hours and hours, shtupping and shtupping. We could show you footage, but this is a family channel.

GOLDA
Oy look, he’s going from behind.

SHPRINTZEE
The male babboon now kveches a little because he’s not feeling so good. Too much shtupping right after eating, he gets a stomach ache.

GOLDA
Who doesn’t?

TEVYE
Golda?

SHPRINTZEE?
Ma? Ieww

GOLDA
What, all I said was he should watch with the food before the exercise, am I wrong?

SHPRINTZEE
So anyway, they make with the whoopee, then sometime later, out comes a baby. Very nice. Not that we need more babboons for any reason, but I shouldn’t judge. So hopefully you will join us next time on the Discovery Channel for another special episode: The Armadillo, Not Really Such a Catch as He Thinks He Is. Thank you, and good night.

 

Part Two

Listen: Part 2

 

 

 

 

 

 

TEVYE
So, now we’re back, for another episode of the Discovery Channel Goes Yiddish, and we were going to treat you to The Armadillo, Not Really Such a Catch as He Thinks He Is, but we’re too tired too move from our spot where we’ve been watching the babboon shtupping for about five hours.

GOLDA
The fecacte cameraman who’s driving us didn’t pack an extra tire so we’re stuck here.

TEVYE
Golda…

GOLDA
I should lie?

TEVYE
So he forgot to pack his spare tire, is that his fault? Does it make him a bad person? You too would get a little farblondzhet with all the things we have to pack.

SHPRINTZEE
That’s not what she’s saying, but because of him, we can’t even get back to the hotel. God forbid I should have a decent meal instead of this feshlugenah trail mix which tastes like styrofoam. Oy, look at him go. I’ve never seen anything like this. Is the camera getting any of this? He’s practically one babboon with her by now. Is she even paying attention, or is she just faking it for the banana?

GOLDA
What would you know from this?

SHPRINTZEE
Nothing, I’m just saying. Oh, now, she’s leaving. Look at this, another female babboon comes by and does the hora for him. Now he’s on top of her too.

TEVYE
Such a success he is, his parents must be kvelling.

GOLDA
He could at least greet her like a mensch but no, they just go at it.

TEVYE
So I guess everyone in this little babboon shtetl is mishpacha somehow. They all know each other, they’re all related.

GOLDA
Must be hard to get any time alone.

TEVYE
What, are you complaining?

GOLDA
No, I’m just looking out for them. Maybe we should talk about that big macher the armadillo who thinks he’s such a catch.

SHPRINTZEE
Oh, him. What a nebach. Thinks he’s mister america.

GOLDA
Again with your high standards

SHPRINTZEE
What, look at him prancing around over there…if the cameraman could stop focusing on Mister Babboon the Stud. He has three mini armadillos from a former shtup when he was a wild teenager, and not even any bananas to give around.

TEVYE
Again with the judging. Look, if we could just get ourselves a drink, maybe a little Doctor Browns Cel-Ray and a nice brisket, we’d all have a little more energy to last during this grueling day outdoors.

GOLDA
I’ve always hated the outdoors.

TEVYE
Who doesn’t? If God had wanted us to live outdoors, he wouldn’t have given us the skill to build houses.

SHPRINTZEE
Gotinhimmel! Look at that giraffe! Look at what she’s doing with the female babboon and the armadillo!

TEVYE
Why are they leaving out the male babboon?

GOLDA
They all know where he’s been. Nobody wants someone else’s used leftovers.

TEVYE
Leftovers. At home we still have roast, correct?

GOLDA
If we ever get there.

SHPRINTZEE
Now the peacock is joining in! I’ve never seen anything like this!

TEVYE
Ouch! Doesn’t that hurt!

GOLDA
I never knew a leg could bend like that!

SHPRINTZEE
Not to mention the wings!

TEVYE
What’s that rumbling noise?

GOLDA
It’s our cameraman, Chad! He’s leaving us! Hey, Chad! Don’t strand us! We have to get back to the hotel so we can get out of these shmates and rest up! Chad! Chad!

SHPRINTZEE
Join us next time for perhaps another episode where we discuss Pigs: Not only unkosher, but also very sloppy.

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last update: November 19, 2008