Between 5 and 9
I was remembering about the envelope, the orange envelope that I hid in the garden bush, that the ticket came in, special delivery, FedEx, came in a big truck from outside the village. I opened the door and the guy handed the envelope to me the orange envelope and asked me to sign the paper on his writing plate and I signed then later regretted that I shouldn't have signed, that way I could have just simply said that I had never received the envelope but I signed it so I then had to find a place to hide the envelope and blame Cody for maybe taking it away and burying it somewhere although mom never believed that story I told her but that wasn't really important, the important thing was that the envelope was gone. Mom went to dad who came to me and I tried to look worried about the loss, the loss, I had to make sure that the orange envelope was lost. I feel sorry for Cody because I even shouted at him I think, I said where did you take my envelope Cody I cannot go home if I don't have my ticket Cody that envelope is my home and you took it somewhere so you tell me where did you take it? Inside I was feeling worried but also excited about my plans, so me and Cris would get married, he was quite stupid and he couldn't spell any word and his room smelled funny but he was handsome and he said he loved me, he even gave me a middle name, Momo Cris Nagara became my name, not MN any more but MCN, I never would have imagined this kind of turn in my life when Becky Frieden came to me after the band class to tell me there was somebody that liked me, someone quite nice, and that we could all go wading together or camping or anything, get comfortable.
But they told me it didn't matter if I couldn't find my envelope because they will send me the ticket again and the second time mom was there when the same guy driving the same truck from outside the village came with the same orange envelope and it was that easy, I learned plans don't work as they are planned to work, it's not the plans that plan things.
Lili comes back a month after I've started working. I was supposed to have left. I had even bought my own bottle of bath gel. Waking up in the morning in the center of the bed and making myself cheese on toast and a cup of tea in Lili's dressing gown. 29 days of this and I was beginning to think I was okay. I had 54 nectar points with Sainsbury next to the garage. I had 4 junk mails delivered to me at this address. My home. Pi comes back and finds my hominess and gets mad. Or not even that maybe, maybe she won't even notice my hominess. Lili floats about with a steadiness of her curly auburn hair securing gravity beneath her. I gathered up all my things and took them back to the station. Except my bath gel. 4 days and my hair is flat and I haven't touched it for the whole time now for the shock of finding a rough surface.
It wasn't because I needed it, sweetheart, it was for us, see, we have been okayish so far but with this one on the way we were not going to be like the richest family in the area, were we, and although we are not ugly or anything it's not like we are the best-looking couple either, and we don't have anything to give brain-wise, like, we are okay but we are nothing extraordinary, it's okay for me it's okay for you but it's supposed to be like competitive world, like, it's getting more and more like if you don't do well at schools then you are poor and if you are poor you can't buy a house, like, property ladder and all that sort of stuff, and we are okay but what can we do to this one, and that's only because of that I thought of this, it's not for me it was never for me, it was for us, so that we will have something to give her, something we will have given her.
Remember when we went to the lake last summer, we took our picnic and sat and watched people and there was this kid who was a bit funny, like she was screaming and it wasn't like she was wee or anything, she was maybe about 11 but she looked about 6, I mean she looked 11 but was like 6, you know the kid I'm meaning, she had funny legs that were like X, thin and remember I said I thought she couldn't walk but she could like when she went to pick up the ball and she walked and people were like cheering because it was supposed to be something great, although all she did was walk. So that was inspirational to me, like, she just walked and that was a big deal and so if she had sung for instance or danced or whatever, or if she was a model or prostitute or bus driver or anything, if she did anything at all it would have been a great deal, people paid attention, people would probably pay her, you see, so that's like her key to a place in the society, because if I walked or sang or danced nobody will say nothing, I don't even think I would make good money as a prostitute, I'm not saying I would become one it's just that even if I became one I won't ever be a special kind of prostitute, like, they won't pay me that much, but maybe they would if I was like, funny, I mean, physically, or mentally, you know what I mean, like, funny.
That's like a promised future, she will never be left on her own, she will always have some kind of attention from anybody, she will probably make good money, she can live, she can live as somebody, see we are okay being nobody but I think this is the end of this kind of nobodyness, from now on, like in the world where our girl will live, if you are nobody you might as well be dead because you couldn't afford anything, we can't make her super pretty or super smart or anything, and we don't have money or house or anything to give her, so only thing we can give her is like, funny thing, see the programme we watched one night they were saying you shouldn't use Accutane because babies got born funny, so that's where I started then I just wanted to make sure that she will be quite funny, like clearly funny to everybody, like not just funny in the head or anything but noticeably funny, so I combined other things and see this was my love, my motherly love thing, my gift to the daughter, my love, our love, sweetheart, see, I've thought all about it, yes I am sure what I am doing, I mean you tell me then what else can we give her, how is she going to survive in this competitive world to come, have you thought about it? I'm okay of course I'm okay, I think it's a very good idea, I think it will be all great, she may even become so rich she will invite us to live with her.