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Poetry by
Mark Spitzer

Thank Bong for Oblivion

Art by Valery Oisteanuthey call it charm school
but it’s a bitch fight
strippers and addicts and silicone whores
fighting for a shit-ton of cash
with no tv, no books to read
and all the alcohol
they can swill

the producers pretend it’s all about
the making of a lady
but what the hell else to expect
when you’ve got a bunch of unemployed bimbos
battling for Queen Bitch?

of course
the most mediocre rise to the top
to send the message out to the millions
that you can fart and belch
your way to the gold
snagging loogies
as you go

in the meantime
Ozzy’s mommy all high and mighty
acts as if she isn’t pitting
pitbulls like any
pimp of porn
feeding from the ruin
of wasted jizz

& for what?
Big Boobs
or a new tattoo
but if they’re lucky
their own reality
tv show.



Sex Rehab


Art by Valery Oisteanuwith Dr. Drew
is another show
my wife likes to watch

rock stars
porn stars
chronic masturbators
and fucked up junkies
with daddy issues
sweating and shaking
and acting out

while a whiney Ms.
Teen USA
runs around
with her ass hanging out

spanking the monkey is not allowed
nor is fiddling the bean

talk about blue balls
and damp panties
talk about drama queens
flipping out

but that's the fascination
rape and racism boiling over--
your mother died, so what!?
you got molested
deal with it!

in other words
shut the fuck up and
go fuck yourself
or a co-star

but that, of course
is the main tension
in this cable

where it's not so much about fuckers not fucking
as it is about searching for the worst
in other fuckers
as if they're different
from ourselves.



God = Abortion


with a name like Frankenstein
he had to be a Jew
so no wonder his neighbors came over
with pitchforks, torches and clubs

the creator's creation
(aka, pseudo-son)
being crucified for our sins
was therefore
a martyr

and as any Jesus junkie will attest
Christ is Lord
but what if Christ
was some sort of monster?

That's the question
being debated
in Congress now

stay tuned
for more.



Mark SpitzerMark Spitzer is a novelist, poet, essayist, fisherman, professor of creative writing, and the Managing Editor of Exquisite Corpse Annual. He was recently featured on the Animal Planet series River Monsters as an expert on alligator gar. For more info on him and his nine or ten books, see his website at



Valery OisteanuValery Oisteanu is a writer and artist with international flavor. Born in Russia (1943) and educated in Romania. He adopted Dada and Surrealism as a philosophy of art and life. Immigrating to New York City in 1972, he has been writing in English for the past 38 years. He is the author of 11 books of poetry, a book of short fiction and a book of essays: “The AVANT-GODS”. A new collection of poetry with collage illustration titled “Perks in Purgatory” appeared in” Fly by Night Press” 2009. For the past 10 years he is a columnist at New York Arts Magazine and art critic for, Brooklyn Rail and He is also a contributing writer for French, Spanish & Romanian art and literary magazines (La Page Blanche,, Viata Romaneasca, bservatorul Cultural, Contemporanul, Romania Literara etc.) As an artist he exhibits collages and assemblages on a regular basses at the galleries in New York and also creates collages as covers and illustrations for books and magazines.


Robin Becker, who plays the electric guitar on the sound recordings of these poems, is Mark Spitzer's wife and the author of the zombie novel Brains, due out in May 2010.

Tim Thornes, who recorded these poems, is an assistant professor of Writing at the University of Central Arkansas, and a very cunning linguist as well.

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