Every four years, red screams off the map, yelling at everyone-- HERE WE ARE. EVERYWHERE. Red is a loud color. One drop of it usually is beyond annoying. But, man, look at our map. My god!
And here is the thing, the big thing no one ever talks about and perhaps I notice because I used to live in the red. Not only are they everywhere, they TOUCH EACH OTHER. Has anyone noticed this? Like they connect. Look at the map. All the reds touch each other!
But us blues? We huddle up here, over there, up beyond there. Little corners of blue. Blues look like the peas I used to eat when little. I always scattered them here and there on my plate, off in corners, so my mother would not notice how many of them were left. (If you take a pile of peas and scatter them into corners they look smaller? Try it.)
I noticed one other thing. The reds not only touch each other, but they look like they are shoving blues off the edge. All the blues are smashed on the edges, holding onto the country for dear life. As if the reds are exploding in the middle and knocking different colors into the ocean or into Canada. Like bullies, huge blocks of bullies marching at melancholy, peaceful blue remnants.
We are being pushed around, pushed off the edges. And we look sad and meek and small.
Like the peas I pushed around on my plate as a child.
So here is my political solution after much analysis:
First we must connect. I suggest a line drawn from each edge, connecting all the other edges. Permanent magic marker.
Or, and this is better. We make the map a puzzle. OK? So every four years we show the map, but the parts are removable. We simply take out the blue pieces and move them over to a place in the ocean (I vote for Atlantic, maybe near the Hamptons, but whatever). All the blue pieces will connect, mingle, have a few drinks, chat, then back to our respective places afterward.
Now for the most important thing.
WE MUST HAVE A COLOR CHANGE.
Blue is passive. Blue is melancholy. Come on! No wonder we are being bullied. We are blue. Blue is for depression. Studies show that depressed children are the most susceptible to bullying.
Everyone, of course, will have a say in this, but I suggest fuchsia.
Fuchsia says go ahead push me. Push me and I’ll fuck you.
Fuchsia goes with black.( Just saying it does).
Fuchsia is a better trim. It looks better on the edge.
And most importantly, Fuchsia clashes with red.
That is my political analysis and recommendation.